Of late I've lost the gumption to keep doing what it is I am. As a consequence, I've inevitably been trying even harder just to do it more, and not allow myself to become comfortable with resting. I have tried to do all the many things that have been needing to be done, and ultimately, I have worn myself so thin that now my vocal chords hurt just to speak or swallow and my brain hurts just to turn my head and process my new sights.
Today I felt like sitting down on a cold wall and never thinking to get up from there.
I work a job I hate, to scrape together a measly survival, so I may continue to exist in this place, where I fall ever and ever into greater debt to those around me, who I must ask to bail me out, so I might work more and harder still to pay my rent, which permits me to live here and write my novel in the spare hours I so seldom get where I'm not wanted to be doing something else.
I need an advancement from a publisher, so I can quit my job and pay my bills and sit down to write with a full stomach.
Right now, I have an empty stomach, an empty cupboard and an empty wallet all of which I must put to use to make empty promises of payment to a man who doesn't really know or understand me.
Today I felt like never coming home again and just walking in an ever continuous line until I wore away to nothing. My muscles threadbare as the hole in my jeans. The holes in my shoes and boots and trousers. The holes in my t-shirts and jackets and coats and jumpers... There are holes in just about everything I own.
Today I have felt destitute because, with my rushing body striving to be in so many places and always on time, with my ailing health and failing memory- I have left behind me a trail of my possessions, and as I look back and expend my energy to reclaim what was lost, I fail to see the complications amounting in front me.
Today I felt like crying. I have not, in so very long, been sure of anything as much as I am of this: I am slowly losing to everything. There will not be much of me left.
I never claimed
to be anything
more
than what I am.
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